I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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