As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
