saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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