Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
