WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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