well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
