I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
