You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
