so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
