I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
