And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
