Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
