Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
