I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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