Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
