I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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