I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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