im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
