just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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