Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
