just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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