You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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