Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
