Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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