i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Can you bring me the toilet please
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
