pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
