I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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