Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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