chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
