Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
