i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
