I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
