mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize