we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
