He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
where does the pee come out of this thing
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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