apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
