I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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