So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
