I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
