So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
