FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
