His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
