I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
