How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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