I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
