shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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