My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
