Jerry, you need to find god
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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