I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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