Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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