He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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