I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize