Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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