I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
