if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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