New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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