My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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