Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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