I wish I could teleport
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
