If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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