Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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