I think my fart just growled at me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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