I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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