Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
